This past weekend I posted a Poll on Facebook. I am getting Breast Augmentation and wanted peoples opinion on what size what look good on me. People Responded and some of the comments were in the vain of
” WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO YOUR BODY WHEN YOU HAVE ONGOING HEALTH ISSUES ??”
Let me explain it to you, even though I know I don’t have too…..
If you have read my story or know my story then you already know that I was born Intersex. 47XXY, A blend of characteristics and genetic make-up of both male and female. To recap…this existence yielded me 1 ovary, 1 testicle, half a pancreas, half a uterine floor , No Adam’s apple and Breast Tissue and other issues.
The breast tissue began growing in adolescence and by my teens I couldn’t take my shirt off at pool party’s at water parks or at summer picnics. I had the obligatory “MAN BOOBS” of 21 st century pop culture mockery with a small clitterdick and the typical “Klinefelters Belly”. No amount of exercise or diet helped. I suffered in a body I had no knowledge of in regards to what was going on. I just knew that when I had to look at my body, I saw “King Louie” from the Jungle book.
Fast forward to 2018 , when I found out I had more than just breast tissue and demons in the rear view mirror and was told to survive and have a better quality of life I needed to transition to the Female end of my Intersexuality. That My ovary and Testicle would be removed I would have a hysterectomy and that because the way my body looks on the inside_ NOT to get a Vagina. its been challenging. These last 3 years. Still feeling split.
The estrogen has destroyed my hair, its thin, and comes out easier…so I wear Wigs.
I apply make up to make my somewhat fine feminine features, override my masculine features.
I wear Lashes to accentuate my eyes.
When i get undressed at night and ready myself for bed. I see that same “King Louie” shape. I see that High School “Man Boob” body. and I feel Masculine way before I feel Feminine. I now have to use the female locker room at Spa’s and Gym’s….Never have I been attracted to the female form…But Now I am having to interact as my female self in society where I’m scrutinized for not “Measuring up”. my anxiety ramps and my brain says…You’re inadequate. YOU women and Friends that love me are Cis Gendered , Born fully XX and are never going to understand what that truly feels like to be different. to feel SPLIT. MY XXY Intersex body looks SO different from your on the inside that I cant risk a vagina….but Breast Like yours would give a level of confidence that I would like to feel before I die. I don’t want to wear push up bras and chicken cutlets to aid in a façade anymore. I want my Breast to be round and perky and Feminine. Not Flat. I want to be with a guy and have him have the reaction when I take my bra off that he has when he sees me in public…I see this disappointment in their eyes…and Yes MEN are ASSHOLES and shouldn’t determine my self worth but, that’s part of it , right? lets be honest. our feelings dictate more than we would like to give feelings credit for doing. This situation is something I have control over. I want to feel good in my body. ONCE before Death. I want to take off my blouse and look at my reflection and not see Buffalo Bill from “Silence of the Lambs” looking back from the mirror.
Yes , I have health issues on going…But honestly, My breast implants may out live me. I might never have an issue with implants. My MENTAL is important too though. I hope you understand where I stand on the issue now. I hope you see it from my POV and If you don’t I hope you’ll still love me and support me! I am Due for an upgrade. I deserve This. My breast consultation with Nebraska Med is March 9th in Omaha. I will of course be researching all avenues to ensure I am doing this in a way that supports my life and does not put it in a precarious place.