This weekend the much anticipated “BARBIE” movie comes to theatres everywhere. The film stars Margo Robbie as the Iconic Doll and Ryan Gossling as Ken. The movie has been getting a Lot of Press and of course every major brand has put out Barbie Merchandise and right along with this push is every artist clamoring to be on the soundtrack album. By The way I took a Facebook Quiz and supposedly this is my Barbie look!! I can Live with it! LOL
Billie Eilish created and released a popular cut that is gaining a lot of street cred. “What was I made for?”
I have to be honest, when I first heard this hauntingly, beautiful cut of the song, I cried.
A lot of people said “What!!?? ”
This week’s blog post comes in the form of the lyrics and why this song hit differently for me as an Intersex, woman. I think this song made me feel more like the Iconic Doll, more than I ever have. Or rather more than I’ve thought about. Here is how the song has made me feel.
WHAT WAS I MADE FOR
BY BILLIE EILISH
[Verse 1]
I used to float, now I just fall down
Life in this vessel for me has always been challenging but as a child I wasn’t aware of the complexities of living in an Intersex body. I floated. But as an adult the struggles have been harder. I often feel like I am stumbling or falling down.
I used to know, but I’m not sure now
When I found out about the extra X chromosome all that changed and then in my forties I really understood but with all of the pushback from people who do not understand and fight the facts and the biology of what it means to be Intersex , I question the process, I question why I advocate so hard and So much, sometimes. Leaving me to ask sometimes:
What I was made for
What was I made for?
[Verse 2]
Takin’ a drive, I was an ideal
This verse made me think about relationships. It is inherently different for me in this world of finding a mate, then it is for you or even Non-Intersex individuals. This is just a reference in my head to how people treat me. Often viewed as a sexual conquest or even a fetish. An Ideal for men of the Hermaphrodite Goddess. Hermaphrodites don’t even exist in human form, yet men put trans Porn stars on a pedestal They are an IDEAL Often times Intersex individuals are thrown right into that , box. I understand that people just do not understand the difference. I have to be totally transparent about what I have and bring to the Table, and it often gets lost in translation or they assume it’s the same thing. I am looked at as a plaything as a sexual Toy.
Looked so alive, Turns out I’m not real.
I am real, obviously. That said It feels like I am not real sometimes because society in some ways will shun the intersex community or even tell us we should not exist. Or we are freaks or deformed. Barbie and Ken are Dolls and they also do not have all of their parts. Barbie has Breast and her downstairs delights are often just a void of nothingness. plastic panties, stamped with seams or flowers , we could go one step further and call me “Mrs. Potato Head” because she has most of her cavalcade of parts inside her which you access from her Butt! A recent Dr told a fellow XXY that in terms of how a XXY individual will present in shape you will either be a “Barbie” type or a “Potato” shape! I cannot imagine Drs. having the gaul to even say that to a young Intersex patient!
Just something you paid for.
When men try to seduce me for private pleasure. They are trying to “Buy Me”! Sometimes I 100% feel PAID FOR
What was I made for? – Why would I be created for this much pain. What was I made for? Surely, not all this?!
[Chorus]
‘Cause I, I
I don’t know how to feel
I often feel. As I always have felt, Split.
But I wanna try
to feel anything but sometimes.
I don’t know how to feel
But someday, I might
Someday, I might
[Post-Chorus]
Mm, mm, ah
Mm, mm, mm
[Verse 3]
When did it end? All the enjoyment
In the last 5 years since I had to medically transition to live longer, Shits gotten real!! I have lost parts of my life I had before. There is a whole set of children I used to be an uncle too that do not even know I exist. Relationships lost over something I don’t have control over because it’s how I was created.
I’m sad again, don’t tell my boyfriend It’s not what he’s made for
I date non-Intersex Men. a Lot of them were created to procreate, a lot of them want to. Being with Me would be giving up that opportunity. They would be wasting a possible life on me.
What was I made for?
[Chorus]
‘Cause I, ’cause I
I don’t know how to feel
But I wanna try
I don’t know how to feel
But someday, I might
Someday, I might
[Outro]
Think I forgot how to be happy
I don’t think I’m very happy. I mean I’m as Happy as I can be, I am grateful I have life! I am grateful for the experience and that I get to change perceptions, but lately it feels like the general public could give a shit and that makes me unhappy! I am not fulfilled, not fully. I think its attainable, It’s just been a defeating few years. Advocacy and trying to stand tall can be absolutely draining and exhausting and at what peril?
Somethin’ I’m not, but somethin’ I can be In time.
Somethin’ I wait for
Because what can you do? I’m here. I cannot leave. So, HOPE is where it’s at. Hope for a different outcome, Hope for happier times, Hope for less ignorance, and more acceptance and a life with a partner filled with Love and a feeling that I AM ALIVE AND WORTHY.
Somethin’ I’m made for
Somethin’ I’m made for
Thats how these lyrics affected me. Thats what this song has meant to me. Have a blessed week, listen to the song and tell us what you think!?