I have insomnia, Sometimes I will take an Ambien. Sometimes I won’t. Sometimes Say, after a seizure I will sleep uninterrupted for 48 hours or more. Sometimes I’ll lay in bed and Wonder what’s keeping me here.
I don’t mean that in a suicidal way (I know a lot of XXYs that think that way)
I just mean in a “What’s my Purpose?” kind of way.
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about my siblings and nieces and nephews.
My sister in law took me to dinner before Thanksgiving. She had never met me as Juleigh. I was super nervous. We had a great dinner.
She told me she had a conversation about this medical study at NIH , XXY and my life. We talked about their reactions (All positive) We talked about My Older Brother and how he is dealing with it (Again, Positive) and We discussed introducing the kids to me. To be honest I’m terrified. Not because they won’t accept me, I know they do, but because I don’t want to Shake their minds like an Etch A Sketch!
I called them on Christmas Day They all Gushed and called me Aunt Juleigh! They are all over 5yo the youngest closer to 8.
My Sisters Kids are all under 6 , I have not seen them since 2017. We have not talked about how they (My Sister and My Brothers-in-law) will tell them. Honestly, In my heart they shouldn’t tell them until they can process it and that may be another 5 or 6 years from now. I think about that a lot.
I think about When they go see their Grandparents and see portraits and pictures of their Mother and her Brothers they will wonder about Uncle Bradford. Where he went? What happened to him? Why no one talks of him.
I don’t talk about him.
I haven’t erased him, I have fond memories . I just have to conform to this new Identity. It’s her turn now. I’ve always felt split. Even now I feel him inside a little. We share this body, almost like Siamese twins sharing one heart, one brain.
It’s amazing to me how an extra chromosome can cause so much chaos in ones body if attached to every cell and in someone’s else’s body be only attached to a few cells (Called Mosaic) and not be that affected.
My youngest sibling is 14 years younger than I. He seems to be my greatest champion in some situations. When he has Children they will meet me as Aunt, out of the gate. I’m grateful for that when it happens.
Then or Now or tomorrow, meeting them…I Love them all fiercely in any form I am. I hope that my siblings know that. I hope my in laws know that and I hope they pass that along to all their “Footprints ”
I hope they tell my story and Journey, Honestly and speak from Love.
I think about these things.
