These two excerpts Chapters were noted during my recovery at Cholchester in the Aldham Ward
Macauley Tye The Male Nurse
(I promised him his own Chapter)
Mac, Mac and Cheese, Mac mac paddywack, Tye. He had many names
through the ward. He looks 14. He is from Clacton On The
Comic books and Movies and thinks that Americans say Aluminium wrong.
He has a High and Tight Booty. He has Justin Bieber hair without the wispy
flip in front. I think he loved coming to see the “American” each day. We
talked about his love of Nursing, his hatred over his uniform and shoes. The
staff seem to really like him. He let me use his Facebook account to connect
with the rest of the world. That was a godsend!
He is the face of the future when it comes to young career driven adults in
Europe. He will do great things this one. even if he likes weird CANDY. He
loves “Jelly Babies” and even brought me some to try….think Sour patch
kids in their teen years with plump bodies but instead of sugar they are
rolled in corn starch hard to chew (as most teens are) and a thick texture
like JuJu Bees!
All in all he was a great asset in learning British Slang and getting
contraband on the inside! (Totally Kidding) He took great care of me. Even
if I love TOWIE.
Eddie and The Others
There are 6 beds in this section of the Aldham ward D. When I began to
take notes, I was unsure if in fact Britain had HIPPA laws so , I thought I
would assign nicknames to the patients, based on their characteristics.
Then as I began to integrate into the ward, I learned their real names.
seeing as how I compiled my notes, it’s easier to refer to them as their
nicknames except for a few. You may want to refer back to these
descriptions as you proceed.
As you enter the ward from the Nurses station, there are two bathrooms on
the right and a private room on the left. passing that you have the D Ward.
Beginning on your left you have D1, D2, D3 on the end a Bay window and
Across from D3 is D4, D5, and finally D6.
D1 “Iron Man”
Iron Man was working on Building a concrete Bunker for a client, He was
on a Ladder, Slipped and fell…On his Back..Breaking it , along with his right
arm and his wrist!
He is Gruff and Tall and bald. Think Mr. Clean , not as
Old. I would guess early 50’s. He has a THICK Cockney accent , so initially
when he tries to converse with me, it sounds like Charlie Brown’s teacher to
me! He flirts with anything and everything. He refers to his wife as his Bird
or his Skirt. Considering his extreme pain the flirting at least means he has
hope. he looks like an Older white version of the Rock. I call him Iron Man
because they fitted him after surgery in a Plastic Back Brace with something
that looks like those Tap Lights on the front of it. Hence Iron Man. His real
name is Steven. His Bird, has an interesting Hobby…Wait for it…
D2. “Martin Landau”
M.L. looked just like him!! He was comatose for most of my stay. On good
days we would converse about his love of Great Movies and Music. He had a
brain tumor, and a penchant for not telling anyone he needed to Go to the
bathroom, So therefore he went in the bed. I was downwind. It was well,
you can imagine I’m sure. His curtain was often closed, blocking my view of
Iron Man. I found out Later M.L.’s Wife was also in this Hospital. She Also
had a Brain Tumor…What are the Odds?
D3 “The American Chap” Eddie, gave me that nickname. I had never been
more aware of my nationality until this Trip. It feels weird, to be defined by
your Nationality and not your Character. But, with Eddie, I am proud to be
“The American Chap”
D4 ” Billy” (Real Name) and” Mr. Potter” (Real Name!!! LOL in London!)
there were two people in this bed during my stay.
Billy, was a young Kid. He was admitted the same day I was and it turned
out during Soccer he Broke his Leg and crushed his Knee. He was scared.
His parents were beside themselves. I really connected with them. His
Mother reminded me in part of my Mother. I think when we go through
Trauma it is normal to associate people we meet with those we already
know. After sharing some chit chat I felt my spirit telling his Mom, that he
is going to be OK! He is young and will heal!! At least, he is not loosing part
of his foot! They asked if I liked KFC! Of course I do! They shared KFC and
all the fixings with me!
Mr. Potter came in to D4 at night after Billy Left. He was quiet and to
himself. He got up the next morning and dressed himself…I at first thought
that he was drunk and maybe just sleeping it off! he arrived in an Emirates
Jersey. So I coined D4 the Soccer Bed!! I found out his name later, A real
Live Potter!! In London!! He was a Muggle. with 8 children!! 8!! he is in his
late 40s and works as a claims adjuster of sorts , for the City. We said we
would stay in touch, but Alas, I have misplaced his addy. He had a few
Slipped disk. He may or may not be having surgery.
D5 “Michael Douglas”
M.D. was originally in Aldham in The C Ward. “C is Not for Cookie” “C” is
The C ward was Overcrowded, so since D5 was available, they
moved the least offend able to the D wing. M.D. liked to have One sided ,
vibrant conversations…with himself…at 2am in the morning ,Usually
waking up everyone around him. It really was amusing. Sometimes he
would take a cue from “Landau” and dysentery would ensue. he also would
get up occasionally, and wander. Usually, he would just stare at me, like he
knew I was writing about him. On the Weekends his Son and Daughter in
Law would visit. Towards the end his son , said his Dad spoke fondly of me.
D6 “Eddie” (real name)
Eddie, was born and raised in England. true gentleman. reminded me of
Billy Crystal and The man from “UP” but thinner , frail. he was 94 and was
in for a rash and just old age complications. He had been there for 3 months
already. He was a joy to talk too. he somehow lived Each day with Pure Joy,
just happy to be alive still!! He loved to Chat and fed me with support to
heal, not be down, and to get back out there. I want to be like that if I can
live that long!
Now that you have a descriptive of my Roommates. I will break into
“Diary Notes” or Entries. I will try and included a date, but in honesty, I
wrote when I could and did not always start with a date. It might seem
Manic, but in my defense, I was on 6 percocet a day and a ton of Oral
Morphine….Mmmm My favorite !! I think you can follow along. This is the
I entered the Hospital on April 21st,2015
Surgery on April 22nd (Queen Elizabeth’s 89th Birthday)
Michael Douglas made his debut. Originally, he had been placed
in the “C” ward for the Confused! He really looks like him!! Welcome to the
D ward! It’s like the D List!! haha Kathy Griffin would be proud!! Let’s see
where this goes!
Iron Man suggested I should just stay in Britain and never go
home. That would be great! , I am pretty sure it is not that easy.
Martin Landau talked to me this morning! he shared with me his
love of Books and Literature. He seems very astute. We discussed that I am
an actor and that he believes that “Hollywood” keeps remaking
“Everything” and does not ever seem to take a chance on anything “New”! I
shared with him that this was a discussion I had had many times with
friends. My inner Actor was screaming YES!! YES!! he is SO right!! Then I
thought, Why does HE get a Brain Tumor?? Why does it seem in life that
the brightest and smartest ones receive the worst fate?? This world is MAD.
This sponge Machine they attached to my foot is making an eerie sucking
sound. I cannot feel anything , just hear this whining sound and see an
occasional stream of Blood through the tubing.
When Iron Man goes home I will be the youngest in here (Billy had not
broken his foot yet)
Iron Man’s surgery was put on hold until I had mine…I feel bad, his Back
seems worse than my septic foot.
M.D. talked all night long. We were told he was moved from the “C” wing
because that is where the Confused Patients are……Well, I think M.D. is
STILL Confused a little!
Billy arrived across from me. He broke his leg and crushed his
knee. I envy Billy. He is young and will bounce back easily. His spirit is
awesome. I told his Mum, that she reminded me of mine. I told he in her
time of worry, to look at the positives. His Mum, was worried about the
metal plates and pins now in his legs. I told her “Chin Up!!” He can Skip
TSA at most major Airports! He can go to the front of lines at Theme Parks!
If you have a collection of Magnets and need to display them slap them on
his legs. She laughed. Then the drugs made me really Prophetic. I said ”
Look, You cannot have the Rainbow, without the Rain!” I told her how I had
discussed the surgery process with Billy that morning. He is a great Kid! I
told him about a lot of my health issues and Klinefelters. We talked about his
fears, his dreams. Billy’s Mum, told me that Billy has never really been
Social, But that he had been with me. She is a florist and Cleaner and His
Dad works in Wales. They had an older son getting married in July and that
she wanted to “Thank” me for opening up to Billy and talking her down and
out of her anxieties. We are both Gemini. There are tons of Similarities
has HAD it with the Round Abouts in England! She will
be happy to know that they are getting rid of a lot of them. Sometimes I feel
like I am in a round About with my health.
is playing!! I believe in Angels……
I made myself an Angle out of tissue paper and taped it to my side table. I
feel I need a constant reminder.
I saw my foot for the first time yesterday. it has taken some time for me to
process it all. It looks like a movie prop. I’m not kidding!
I was told in recovery after Theater, that they just removed Anne Toelyn.
Then after the Unveiling yesterday , when they changed the pump, I saw
that they had removed a deep section of the foot. I almost Wept!
finally came around and said I needed to stay in Hospital until it has
completely healed and closed. Um That could be a YEAR lol. I guess If I was
a resident here, that would be an option.
is Going Home tonight!! Wow, they get them in and get
them out here. If you are young and can heal at home poof!! you are out of
was told I may not be able to Fly home this weekend. Dolly and Bill may
have to fly home without me, My Dad may have to come get me. Part of me
cares, Part of me wants to live here forever!!
We are getting a new patient!! In Billy’s bed. he has a Fly emirates Soccer
Jersey om and I am sure he will become Best buddies with Iron Man. They
have been Chatty!
IT feels as if i have been in here for MONTHS!
People in the Ward are telling Jokes to lighten the feel. Someone just told
a pedophile joke! Not wanting to be undone, I shared Gene Blum’s Classic
Jewish pedophile Joke and garnered a Winning LAUGH!! Thanks GENE!!
Here is the Joke:
A man comes home to find his girlfriend throwing her belongings in a bag.
Furiously moving throughout the apartment, waving her arms and Crying
while yelling “ I Know what you are!! I Know What you Are!!” The Man Says
What am I? “ To which the Girlfriend says “You Are A Pedohile!” The Man
says “That is a very big word for an 8 year old!!” I did not say it was a Classy
I think Gene could have his own Broadway Show. “Old Jewish Book Dealer
Telling Jokes” Live at the Schubert !
I am in a lot of pain, I try not to be burdensome. I feel my worries pale to
others here. But when the staff offers I say YES PLEASE.
If Rainbows and Glitter are really a side effect of drugs then it makes it’s
home in ORAL MORPHINE! It is Grape and Robitussin like and they
squirt it in your mouth and in seconds it provides one with Disney dreams
of a better tomorrow!!
These antibiotics are kicking my Ass. The taste, the smell the waste. ugh. I
know know that Antibiotics affect everyone the same. Landau and Douglass
both had issues last night. Did I tell you I am down wind!!
Actually between, the smells, the accents, the screams from the maternity
ward two floors down, the confused next door ( some one keeps screaming
Fuck You and Fuck Off every time they touch him) if you close your eyes you
could probably get a great feel for what the BLACK PLAGUE was like!!
Iron Man and I often laugh at the Confused Man…it will be really peaceful
and then you hear a gruff “Fuck Off” lol
Mac , there is a wonderful head nurse named NINA, I could just
listen to her talk ALL day!! She has a THICK Cockney Accent. She claims
they call it Common! Iron Man sounds like Fagin from “Oliver” They are
both just LOVELY…wait Why am I referring to everything as Lovely!?
Mac, Mandy and Mother of Two(who looks like Ashley Taylor in LA) are all
part of my nursing team. Mac will be leaving soon and going to a different
practice for more training. They were just joking that I will still be here in
D3, when Mac returns for Management Training in his course load. That is
3 years from now!!, I said yes, and when they do the morning rounds they
will say ” This is Rip Van Winkle!” It’s a joke, but I feel like , because of my
healing and complications I really could be here for 3 years lol.
It is Saturday. and 3:04 pm Mr. Potter (Fly Emirates) is all dressed to go
somewhere. I think he wants to Escape. I would ask M.L. but he has been
asleep for like a day! Iron Man suggested he was Drunk and woke up this
morning like “Whoa!!??” Where am I, where are my pants!!” . One thing is
for sure no matter what country you are in…It is Saturday , you are not
going ANYWHERE until Monday lol.
I was supposed to fly home today. guess not. Dolly is not sure if she
purchased travel insurance for me. They might have to fly home without
me. She did ask if she thought my parents, would extend them the money to
stay in London until I was released. That made me LAUGH! She is so
funny!! I know everyone is worried!
The staff and people of Colchester are SO NICE. I do think it’s funny that
they all want to move to AMERICA and I want to move here! the Grass is
always greener I guess!!
I found out that Landau’s name is John. He asks for an enema
I do feel sorry for him though, he said last night that because his wife is in
the Hospital too, he just wants to sit and Cry.
I think it is so nice that the hospital sends home “Care
Packages” when you check out!! Super sweet!
Care packages are not what I thought.
Its the hospital’s way of making sure
you have everything you need to heal. The NHS will even send you home
with special Chairs to get you upright and positioned better!
just told his caseworker he already has 6 chairs at home. LOL
Is it funny that the Apple juice here is labeled “Health Care Apple
Juice” yet, is manufactured by a Soft Drink Company!!??
has been sitting with M.L. and listening to his worries this morning.
This kid is Kind. A lot of people can be nice, but very few are KIND. He has
a bright future! MacDoodle!
Iron Man was admitted on a Saturday, I was admitted on Monday. His
Surgery was pushed back for mine. mine happened on Tuesday. His will be
on Thursday!! THURSDAY! Almost a WEEK!! I feel horrible. I was told
Anne Toelynn could have killed me so I became the priority. UGH
Dr. Turtle came today and recanted his previous plan for my recovery. He
now is trying to Push me out and get me home! He would be great in the
STATES! He said it would be best if I heal in a home environment. I was
like “WHAT” have you ever been in a US Hospital?? I mean , I don’t want to
put them all in the same circle, but OBAMA care is The Devil and she does
NOT wear Prada!!. He was brash with me and said I was going Home.
When my counselor came around with Nina, they told me DR Turtle has
NO POWER. he is the Ward Dr. but everyone from tissue specialist to Drs.
whom performed theater on me must make the call to send me home, to
not worry, I will only be released when they know that I can heal on my
I really respect my Nursing team. Even in the States , Nurses really are the
reason people heal, and resume life!! I was thinking about the fact that in
the States patients are in privatized rooms and nurses may have about 710
patients to focus on. Here a Nurse like Nina, or Natalie or Teddy may have
up to 17!?
If it is not in practice yet, I think countries that are on good terms with
each other should have a program set up for cross utilization. like Disney’s
College Program for Nurses. Nurses could spend 6 months in a different
country learning the ways of the land.
Iron Man’s “Bird” races Birds! Not Birds , rather Pigeons! WHAT??
Pigeons? Like Slow , dumb birds that shit and poop on Public statues and
walk , lethargic like in between Taxi cabs in New York city Pigeons???
Does she know Mike Tyson?
At first because of his Accent I thought he was saying ” Raises” Pigeons. He
said No! racing!! and flapped his arms, well his one good arm. He was really
“Jazzed” and said she had even raced them against the Queen’s Pigeons! I
said “I think they are too dumb to race! The Pigeons not the Royals! the
royals are Lovely!. Speaking of the Royals, Kate is due any day now!!
exciting!! everyone is talking about it! I hope we get a Princess. “WE” I am
not even British!
I still cannot picture pigeons RACING! It makes NYC seem like a
I still have not gotten a proper bday gift for Court! (My little sister) She is
on a milestone Bday and while I did find her an antique penguin pin in
Ireland. I also found 3 Irish Handkerchiefs and gave one to my Mom and
Jennifer(sister in Law) and her. I just want to find her something special. I
took a rock , from Stonehenge SHHHHHHH. Maybe I can get her
something from the Harrods store in Heathrow. Someone suggested I take
Anne Toelynn, shellac her and put her on a plaque that reads ” I Toed You, I
Love You” . The woman who suggested that can be SICK sometimes lol
Mr. Potter looks like David Geffen! I wish it were David, I could Jump
Start my Career!
Sometimes Laughter really is the BEST Medicine.
I feel bad for Mr. Potter. He is downwind from M.D.
woke us all up at 4am in High Confusion! at the top of his lungs he was
screaming ” What The Hell happened!!??” Over and Over. The nurses kept
saying “you’ve had an accident!” Sir, Be Still It’s Everywhere!! He would
reply with “Well, it’s NOT bloody ME!!” followed by maniacal laughter!
Muahhhhh Aaaaaaaaaa! and then just like a broken record…. “What The
Hell Happened!!??”. Then he would calm down and Whisper “You Are
kidding me!” .
I was laughing more at the “Chaos” it created. Everyone, running
everywhere. The fact that he had an accident was sad, we will all be there
someday. I was not laughing at M.D. . But the whole commotion was quite
funny. when they finally cleaned him up they pulled back the curtain and he
looked like Rafiki! The wise old sage of the Lion King.
There were also excruciating scream coming from the maternity ward. It
made me think that Rafiki could pass in the next ten years and new life is
beginning two floors down. Prophetic. Life begets Life. It really is a Circle!
A Round About , so many similarities.
Mr. Potter, just told me about his Back Issues. His pain had become so
bad, that he blacked out and his “Mrs.” had called the ambulance, he then
woke up here. He glanced at M.D. and said he felt sorry for him, if only
because he is well aware of his fate. Truth!
Even in his confusion, maybe M.D. is lucky. Think about it, will he even
understand what is going on when he goes? Will he just pass, unaware?.
Will he come to a fork in the road, and meander down one road and never
return?. Even when he was totally manic, he was entertaining and wild and
chaotic and maybe that will or should be the way to go out.
My younger brother and I were once watching “Frankenstein” When a
Character in the film fell off a staircase in flames. I said nonchalantly “Well,
maybe she wanted to go out in a Blaze of Glory!” My Brother started to howl
in laughter. I don’t know why, I just added that.
I finally found out what Porridge is….It’s like oatmeal and Cream of Wheat
and Malt o Meal mixed together. it is clumpy and everything you have ever
pictured it as being.
I would like to stay in bed for one day uninterrupted…NOPE NOT GONNA
Well, Your health care here maybe covered but, if you want to watch TV you
have to pay for it.
The Hospital has its own Radio Station!! They come by your bed and ask if
there is any kind of Music you would like to hear. Then on Friday at 7pm
they play your request and share where you are located. Kind of cool! I
requested Diana Krall and Jackson 5.
Eddie calls me “American Chap”. Out of all the connections I have made in
the Hospital. This connection made me feel Pride for where I was from.
Eddie , told me the story of how he loved hearing me talk, loved my Accent.
It transported him to his youth, when he spent a lot of time in his great
grandfather’s Pub. He told me that the pub was headquarters for a lot of
American Soldiers during the 2nd World War. That When he hears me
laugh and converse with other in the ward he is instantly transported to
that time he misses so much. It made me realize, what even a sound can
bring, a smile, a conversation. It’s true what they say about never going
back, the past is the past. But memories should not be left there. Memories,
should be cherished and shared.
I was Lonely and scared and Eddie made me feel proud about being an
American, proud to be able to jog and infuse his recollections of his
grandfather and the american men whom served.
Iron Man is going home. He is so excited! His Bird is coming to get him. I
am now the Youngest one here.
Eddie, got out of bed to go to the Bathroom and fell , breaking his hip. He
was supposed to be going home. Now he has to be scheduled for hip
They are sending me home to the states. Originally I was supposed to stay
until my foot closed. They feel its best if I go back to the states and heal in
my own environment.
Dr. Turtle is excited to get rid of me. I told him I did
not appreciate his candor…He got Upset. I found out he is the Ward Dr. but
that every other Dr. that had a hand in my care had to sign off before I’m
released, so Don’t fret.
One of my Drs. Came in to chat about KS and things to be aware of whilst
returning to the USA. (note, This was not the initial doctor that I thought
was an angel! But he said and confirmed what the other ones said!)
All KS Men have High Blood Sugar. My Normal range is 340 when having
an infection it raise as high as 600 or higher. When I return to the states,
US Drs. will say I am Diabetic and try and put me on a synthetic insulin.
That could be dangerous, as the normal US range of 80/120
could put me at death’s door.
Also , since my internal organs are all much smaller than a
normal males organs, I could put those smaller organs in jeopardy of
shutting down by putting a synthetic insulin in them.
US Drs treat the symptoms and not the Cause. That I have to be my own
advocate. That I am not out of the jungle with my foot. That everything I
have experienced in the last 4 years is connected to my KS. This particular
Dr. told me I should just stay in Europe lol. I am grateful, for the exchange.
It was great to finally have some answers and not feel like I am being
My time in the Aldham Ward has proved restful and enlightening. I finally
received some answers that American doctors have never been able to
provide. Now I have to go back to that and try to heal. Thank You Aldham