I am sure a lot of people wonder. I am sure a lot of people have questions. There are in fact so many different forms of depression and how it affects one’s being on a day to day. Triggers, little triggers that can set someone off and send their world into a downward spiral. Some say its like treading water.
I have ALWAYS felt split. Split between 2 realities , 2 vessels as I call them. The male brain and the female brain. the thoughts, the pushback, the self loathing, the ability to love myself for who I am , the strength to think that there is someone out there that isn’t as fucked up as me mentally that is going to LOVE me in my entire being and not run away. I today have been missing my former self. Thinking back on my life in that masculine vessel. Is my life SO different now? IS it? Am I still the same entity that self sabotages every opportunity that comes my way. Am I still emotionally needy and Seeping with anything that will show me affection in the hopes of finding Mr. Right. Do I feel anymore beautiful in this vessel than in that one? Have I made a collective difference in the world at all?
I have really been struggling these last 2 days. There are those in the world that would say, “What are you doing?? Don’t share that you are struggling!! People are watching!!” Look, I understand you are concerned, But I believe its healthier to share with my followers that life is indeed NOT always happy and Perfect!! That even someone that is grounded and a joy to be around has off Killtered days, and struggles to find peace, and has levels of insanity….THAT is more important to me. If someone isn’t going to hire me because I am transparent and REAL and collectively being Intune with other living entities like myself , then so be it. Albeit, I would think that is a dumb reason.
I have had dating woes of late. Meeting some seemingly really interesting men , whom seem to embrace and love me at face value only to fully understand later they are not emotionally available, or married, or just looking for the fantastical fuck they think being intersex is. NOT for one solitary moment thinking an intersex individual has feelings too. Treating us like the last unicorn and willing to cut our horn off, knowing that all magic will be lost…just so they might be able to say “I spent time with the Last Unicorn” To clarify, I DON’T NEED A MAN. I want a partner, I’ve wanted one for as long as I can remember wanting anything. My parents celebrate their 50th in a few days. My older brother just celebrated his 20th, My sister just celebrated her 10th. My little is getting married next year, I have never felt like more of a failure in the subject of Love. This is a trigger for me…At this stage of the game I am not promised a long life and if I could find a connection for even 30 mins I feel like I would have obtained something. Now I’m crying.
You hear people all the time say “Don’t get married!!” I want to go to bed at night feeling someone beside me, I want to buy cereal at the grocery store for my partner, I want to do his laundry instead of washing the ocassional bra or panty. Its easy I think for connected couples to say Don’t but there are people in the world that will never know what that feels like. It’s heartbreaking and then to add on to it the thoughts in your own head that say your so different and a freak , you would never be able to have that anyway. Go back into the attic, and exist.
There is a very popular XXY site called thexxyproject.org . In my opinion its is one of the leading sites on current and updated education and research on XXY. its out of Australia and run by a friend Candice Cody. At the end of the week the website will be closing. I am unsure why but part of me feels like the site is closing due to lack of interest. Advocacy is so hard and the pushback comes from those in and out of your community. Sometimes, you just want to give up as an advocate. let people figure it out on their own. I wish there was a collective way to save the site.
good information, correct information is integral to our immersion into a society that treats us as less than,
well I am off to have some tea and sit in the backyard with the fireflies.
thank you for listening